XTERRA PMS on Boney Mtn

It's called the XTERRA Boney Mountain Trail Run in Point Mugu State (PMS) Park. It could also have been called, "LT chokes on a bone!" Where does one even begin with such a name? Several members of the SoCal Trail Headz had decided at a previous XTERRA run that these strangely named events would be themed in honor of the 80's cult classic Top Gun. Several others were not so enamored with this theme. Greg, for example, must have been having flashbacks of old TV shows when he decided to give this run the BoneyBrushOff and escape to Fantasy Island for the weekend to run a 50-miler with the other Brady kids. He mumbled something about having a low tolerance for the salacious. A salactose intolerance maybe? Salactic acid removal issues? Reminds me of the Gregis and Bonehead cartoon. "He said boney, hehehe, hehehe!" I'll bet he wishes he'd taken "de plane" after spending all that time on "Das Boot" out to the island. Hmmm, now there's a special combination, a U2-boy in a U-boat. Achtung, runner!
Wow, and he wasn't even at the run. Those who were have read this far and are already filling sandbags and purchasing named peril disaster insurance for the impending storm. Sugar's got Google Desktop Search working on overtime looking for more pictures in preparation for the storm. Remember, its blackmail value is lost once it's been published. Besides, what could possibly be worse than DNSing your first run of the year? I mean it's not called Boney Mountain because of all the drying bones of those who DNFed on the mountain last year. It's a half-marathon for crying out loud. But, not wanting to take a chance of racing too early on a healing ankle, I got bigger fish to fry at Calico next weekend, I was replaced by a pinch runner, Alexa a.k.a. Sunshine. She went out there and lit up the course. She came in at the finish with such a huge smile I just stood there grinning until somewhere in my brain a voice said (did I just admit to hearing voices?) "raise camera and take picture, remember?" Oh yeah, did I mention I can't walk and chew gum at the same time much less smile and take a picture at the same time? Michelle A.K.A. Sweetness had to run the gauntlet twice before I did my job correctly. We'd just met before the race and already I knew that her alias was a good one. I'd buy drugs from her any day. No wait, she promotes the use of drugs, not the sale thereof. "Just say yes!"
As I stood near the finish line waiting for SoCal's finest to arrive, I imagined myself a Boney Picker (sometimes known as Breaker Boys), separating the good stuff from the bad stuff that came down off the mountain. I managed to scare off a few runners I didn't recognize as they attempted to get to the finish line, thus ensuring the better placement of SCTH members in the results. You weren't going to find any of us in the Boney Pile, either. We kicked butt and took names. Hey, we may not be the marines but we can always look for a few good runners to join our ranks. Jessica A.K.A. Dizzy flew in with landing hook extended, "Any of you boys seen an aircraft carrier around here?" Come to find out she had brought along a crew member of her own, Nickie. I wish I'd have known. Gosh, that's three hours of "behind Jessica's back time" lost. Imagine the recap dirt I could have collected.
Then there were the sonic booms. It was believed that all pilots flying in the vicinity of Boney Mountain were properly briefed on US Navy Regulations which prohibit supersonic flight over land. Eric A.K.A. Goose must not have gotten the memo. DARPA has already provided for a solution that will prevent all future occurences such as these, a nose job. The Shaped Sonic Boom Demonstration program has already shown that about a third of the pressure buildup that leads to sonic booms can be released with this procedure and Goose will be flown out for a retrofit at the first opportunity. I contacted them and was assured that only the best will be performing this delicate procedure on him, Doug Malewicki A.K.A. Rocketman.
Skip A.K.A. Viper came in singing verses from a Bright Eyes song, "do you like to hurt? I do, I do, then hurt me..." Eric heard him coming and you could see it in his eyes that he wanted to hurdle the bushes and run out to sing with him. Is Skip cool or what? He got on the phone shortly before the race to talk to someone called Mom and told her to come along with someone called Dad to meet us out at the race. Sugar suspected this was some secret code for a rendezvous with an Islamic terrorist group, maybe he's using the club's financial account to clandestinely funnel funds to them. I'd make references to the Soviets, but Abbie keeps reminding me that half the club isn't old enough to remember the Cold War. If this is what actually happened he's darn good at what he does because two of the coolest people showed up to cheer their son on as he ran in the hills above where he grew up. It was a very believable cover. It was also easy for one to get the impression that this group was low on operating funds because the one called Dad was using the same disguise as Skip only they weren't able to spend as much on his height. This man won me over when he passed on the post run vegetarian lunch plan. He muttered something about going home to barbecue a good rib eye. I mean come on, when did vegetarians corner the market on the term "healthy food?" I only eat healthy chickens. At least they were healthy when they met their fate. How do you know that celery stick wasn't battling a nasty cold when it got yanked out of its bed to be sold? It reminds me of the phrase seen on buses in Riverside. This bus runs on clean natural gas. Yeah, well my truck runs on clean natural gasoline. You don't think I'd put dirty gasoline into it do you?
I did finally get the chance to meet Pete and Kalea, but didn't get a whole lot of quality time in with them. They're sighing with relief. Not to worry, now that I know who you guys are I'll be gathering dirt on you; trail dirt that is. That would make a great title for our newsletter - Trail Dirt. I was a little disconcerted by all the smiling faces I saw coming in at the end. I mean, if you have enough energy at the end of a race to smile you apparently didn't run it hard enough. I find it simply unimaginable that a member of SCTH could be happy that a run was over. There must have been something really fun that preceded that final quarter mile.